Tuesday, February 23, 2010

It's Been A Long Day.


I'm going to say that Serendipity has not actually completely abandoned me. I'm going to say that she's somewhere warm and sunny, like St. Barths, or fabulous and imaginary, like L.M. Montgomery's Prince Edward Island, and that she has therefore left me to my own devices.
And so nothing seems to be going...well...well. My life is usually governed by a brilliant balance of hard work, assertion, devil-may-care, and fate. But perhaps she's misplaced my forwarding address? Or just fallen asleep on the job??
Because, lately, I have that feeling that I have to daily remind myself, "Get up. Get out. Find something beautiful. Keep going." This is usually less of a mantra and more of a pulse.
And I'm visiting more and more that place of throw-my-hands-up-and-scream-"What-do-You-want-from-me?"
I miss people who speak my language. I feel a little alone. Well, tonight, I feel a lot alone. I say this knowing full well that my brilliant friends and family are hardly far away at all, I hold them in my heart so close. But one of my dearest friends in the world reminded me today that I am a Muse. I was a Muse, once upon a time. I haven't felt very Muse-y lately. I keep reaching out and I keep coming up with smoke.
So tonight, I recognize that, at least for now,
I am the Lone Muse.
Well-versed in Museology (the inspirational kind, and the other kind...) but overtly lacking in peons. I'm missing the syncopation of interaction, the you-inspire-me-and-I'll-inspire-you of life.
Alright, World. I embrace the alone-ness. I give thanks for the solitudinous of being the Muse-Seeking-Artist, the Muse-Seeking-Possibility.
Because you discover some truly wonderful things when you are alone (and perhaps I anticipated this when I moved across the country, but didn't realize the magnitude.) You discover the things that mean most to you.
You discover who it is that you turn to for comfort, for challenge, for meaning, for faith, and who delivers. You discover the value of what you lack. And you discover the ever-springing, no-matter-how-weary, staggering resolution to stand back up and keep going. Not all who wander are lost. Sometimes they are though. And the only way to get un-lost is to keep wandering, and find something about yourself that gives you direction.
So tomorrow, I'll get up, I'll find something beautiful, I'll put one foot in front of the other and recommence my wandering.
But tonight, I'm just a Lone Muse. And it's been a long day.

photos: 500px_by_DimBaldachnyl, dreaming girl from vi.sualize.us, Perks of Being a Wallflower Quote, Lauren Withrow image, mmkai.fashiongonerogue.com, bridge pic by Corinne Day, Vogue Italia Nov. 03, Fight for that which you Love t-shirt from www.gypsyville.com, birdcage quote from weheartit.com, Nothing to Lose EsTeR from vi.sualize.us

1 comment:

  1. Oh, Ms. Muse, at least an anonymous commenter didn't call you a "snobby no career girl" on your own blog. That will knock the wind out of your sails!

    I am with you on this journey and I am enjoying your words very much.